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Archive for April, 2013

E is for Entropy

 

<Putting a Woo Alert up here because this has no historical basis whatsoever and yeah.>

 

So there have been a few instances in my life, few and far between, where I have felt the Presence of something other. I’ll get back to that in a minute.

 

Once upon a time, a few years ago when I was still active-ish on Gaia, I was trying to write a real outline of my path. I’ve tried this a few times and always failed. Maybe because I’m crap at making lists, or maybe because I’m not really all that orthodoxic so trying to codify what I believe is a pointless exercise since my experience in life leads me to believe new things all the time. Anyway. When trying to think of cosmology, how I feel about…the world, the universe, the nature of deities or the divine and the big why of it all…it gets too much for my head.

 

But there’s something, some Presence, that I can almost never feel directly but I occasionally get little glimpses of, and it’s shaped how I view the universe.

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D is for Depression (written Sunday, April 14, 2013)

 

This is the reason I have fallen so far behind on this project. In some ways it’s the reason I’ve always had trouble sticking with projects like these, even (especially) when there is no consequence for giving up, when the stress is all self-imposed.

 

Because no one can be harder on me than I already am on myself.

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C is for Continental, or the Hard Easy

One of my constant worries is whether I’m unconsciously drawn to areas of study that make me appear to be a special snowflake. I really, really do not want to be perceived in such a way. Maybe it’s an ongoing rebellion against all the teachers and family who told me I was “special” and “gifted” growing up. That enrivonment inflated my ego in some ways and also made me miserably insecure in others, and after getting smacked in the face with depression and anxiety and trying to come out of that, I’ve started to accept that actually I am fairly “normal” and that “special” is not necessarily anything I need to be striving towards.

And yet I always seem to make choices with my spirituality, with my hobbies, that make things difficult for myself. Which brings me to the title of this post!

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B is for Belenos

This post has literally gone through about eight incarnations, and it is one of the reasons I fell off the PBP wagon. I just could not write this one. The other main reason is depression but that is another letter and that post will come later!

Winter is hard. I have some seasonal depression problems, and one of the hardest things about having a solar deity as a central part of my path is that it’s really damn hard to feel a connection when everything is overcast all the time and the snow never melts and there is only a paltry fraction of light in a day!

But hey, now that it’s spring, it’s easier to think about getting back on track with life, with my mental health, and with devotions to Big B, as I call him.

I find it kind of interesting that for a deity who was pretty widely-attested in the Celtic world, there are basically two pagans I know of on the whole internet who worship him.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: If you work with Belenos (or one of the myriad of different spellings) in any capacity, let me know! I like talking and sharing ideas and experiences and also wow, it’s lonely!

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